When it rains...

As if losing my husband weren't hard enough, Bugalug decided, less than three weeks later, that it would be fun to take an early morning trip to the ER and spend almost a week in the hospital with pneumonia and a partially collapsed lung.

A little over a week ago, Bugalug started complaining of a sore throat. No other symptoms, so no big deal, but I was on the watch for strep. Thursday, she kept saying she felt sick, but nothing came of it until Thursday evening. Once she got started, she couldn't stop. Over the next few hours, she woke up more than a dozen times to heave. I stayed awake to help her when she needed it and to monitor her. Around 4am, I noticed she was having trouble breathing and was pale. I put her in the truck and took her to the emergency room. I was asked if she was up to date on her vaccines and the ER doc about had a fit when I told him we'd stopped vaccinating. Long story short, a few months ago my former vaccine enthusiast husband started reading more about them and came to understand my skepticism.

The ER doctor told me she had pneumonia and started on a rant about how not vaccinating her opens her up to "all kinds of infections", implying that a vaccine could have prevented this visit, but never suggesting any suspicion that she had a vaccine preventable illness. He told me they would be admitting her and his main concern was trying to avoid putting a tube down her throat to breathe for her. This was a complete exaggeration. Her breathing was labored, but she was breathing, and her breathing was already easing, thanks to the breathing treatments they'd given her.

Once she was stabilized, we were put in an ambulance to a children's hospital 30 minutes away. They weren't sure if I would be allowed to accompany her, but when the ambulance got there, the paramedic said he would prefer I ride along.

At the children's hospital, they looked at the x-ray and said what was showing up wasn't pneumonia, but a pneumothorax, essentially a partially collapsed lung. I was horrified, but they assured me I had done nothing wrong, that this sometimes happens with forceful vomiting or coughing (she'd been doing both). What had happened, they explained, was that she developed a small tear in her lung that allowed air to escape into the chest wall, placing pressure on the lung. They also explained that it would likely resolve itself with extra oxygen, but if it got worse, she could need a chest tube to relieve the pressure. They also did a nasal swab, which tested positive for a cold. Yep, this all happened not because of anything that could be prevented with a vaccine, but because of the common cold.

They did follow up x-rays every morning (at 5am!) to monitor the progression. For a couple of days, there was little progress, but the third day showed significant difference, and the fourth day showed it was gone. However, the follow up x-rays did show pneumonia, and the doctor said it's common for x-ray results to lag behind what is actually happening with pneumonia.

So Bugalug spent 5 days trying to get every person that walked into her room to play with her. No doctor, nurse, housekeeping staff, room service person, or child specialist was safe walking into her room. Sure she had me, but she has me all the time, I'm boring compared to all those new people. As for me, it was just about the rudest possible awakening to single parenthood imaginable.

Adjusting

Sunday was a nightmare. Big Sis was here all last week, then left a little after the memorial service on Saturday, and Sunday was my first day alone all day with Bugalug. I woke up with a headache that nothing could tame. I would randomly start crying, which made it ten times worse. I tried taking a nap with her, but it was even worse yet when I woke up. Ibuprofen helped a little after that, but mostly just upset my stomach. Couldn't wait for bedtime.

I woke up yesterday feeling better, but the holiday was hard. He really enjoyed going all out for the holidays. I made a decision to keep my emotions in check for that one day, and I mostly managed. It helped that Big Sis stopped back by. I have some running to do this morning, so she offered to stay the night and watch Bugalug this morning. I need to get her up and around so I can do that, but I know she was up late last night.

First thing I need to do is go to the bank. My account has been inaccessible all weekend, though I can still see it online. I'm assuming it's because he's gone (it's a shared account). I tried to deposit a check at the ATM and the transaction was declined. But I just noticed that my YMCA membership came out, but since I couldn't make the deposit, there's no money in the account to cover it. I know they're going to want the death certificate, but I don't have those yet. As if it weren't enough that I'm suddenly a single mother who hasn't worked in months because I was needed at home more.

We had a lot of rain and it got chilly over the weekend. He would have had the heat on and I would have been annoyed. I don't miss arguing over the thermostat, but I would gladly argue over it every day if it meant he were back to argue with.

I feel like I should get Bugalug back on track with school, but there's too much to do today. I may just put it off one more week, though she and Big Sis might do a little bit while I'm gone, which would be just fine, too.

Memorial

It's been raining all day. While it's not the best traveling weather for all those who came to remember my husband, it was perfectly fitting for the day of his memorial service. I was amazed at how many people showed up. Some people drove several hours to be here, some of them we haven't heard from outside of Facebook in years. The minister called me last night to ask if we wanted any special music (hadn't given it a thought) and if anyone wanted to say a few words (no one had said anything to me about it). I called my stepdaughter and let her pick out a few songs and texted one my husband's friends to see if he wanted to speak. I think he would have been really surprised at how many people showed up.

My stepdaughter also picked out a few pictures that were printed out and posted on a bulletin board. I took Bugalug and we looked at pictures and she started to cry a little. She's been holding back tears, but they show up once in a while anyway. I think one day the floodgates will just open, probably out of the blue. She really didn't want to be there. I told her it was important, but I did let her leave with Big sis right after while I stayed until everyone else had gone. It all still seems so unreal.

Bugalug decided to take a nap, and Big sis decided to go ahead and head out for the evening, so it's rather quiet around here right now. I should probably get some work done, but I'm watching TV instead.

My life turned upside down

I am a homeschooling SAHM of a 21 year old daughter, a 20 year old son, and a five year old daughter we call Bugalug (a word she made up that ended up sticking). Early Sunday morning, after a three and half year battle with lung cancer, my husband passed away. His diagnosis meant that we knew it was coming eventually, but he had been improving since an incident Easter weekend that led to me taking him to the emergency room. He even helped wash dishes and took out the trash Saturday evening. He was so afraid of what the cancer would bring before it did him in and repeatedly made me promise not to put him in hospice. There is some comfort in knowing that he managed to skip all of that, though I would still have preferred to care for him through all of it if it meant he could have watched his little girl grow up a little longer and she would be able to have more memories of him.

So now I'm left to raise a wonderful little girl all alone and I hate it even more than I thought I would. He would fall asleep on the couch watching TV because laying down hurt his back. I hate waking up to a quiet house because the TV is off. I hate looking at the projects he kept meaning to do with our little girl. Seeing the sadness on her face when she thinks about all the things she can no longer do with him absolutely breaks my heart. I hate that she's so young and her memories of him are likely to be a bit vague (though I will do everything in my power to keep them as vivid as possible). It also breaks my heart when she tries to hold back tears because she doesn't want to upset me.